It is a terrible mental illness, and I, Lisa Julie Schiftan, got it. After giving birth to, or should I say as I felt, having my beautiful daughter, who I refer to as “My Sunshine” taken out of me, I felt detached from my perfect little angle. Deep down I loved her but I was incapable of showing it to her or anyone to be truthful. And it only got worse. I started seeing myself doing things, horrible things, and then the anger came. So, I looked for help and I got help. Help they called it. Medication, that’s what I got. It did stop the thoughts, and the anger was under control, but I was sedated most of the time and not being able do all of my motherly duties, though I tried my very best. By that I meant my daughter was well taken care of but when it came to myself, well I wasn’t.
After having my daughter, I went from a weight of 242 pounds, down over the period of a year and a half, to a weight of 105 pounds. The wind could literally knock me over, and so could my daughter.
It happened, the weight lose I am referring to, very slow in the beginning, but then when she was 10 months old I became a single mom. We moved to Mississauga, in a 2 bedroom basement apartment. I however, never slept in mine. I slept on the couch in the living room, which was located right outside her door. That way I could be right there when she needed me. I forgot my needs, and focused completely on hers. When it came to breakfast, lunch and dinner, I would only have one plate, ours. I call it that because she would only eat off my plate for some strange reason. So, she would eat and I would help her, and when she was full, I would finish whatever was left on the plate.
And that started the rapid weight lose that I went through over the period of the next year. And it was fast, I was dropping pant sizes 2 to 3 a month. Until I was 105 pounds and a size 3.
I waited for months for things to change. To feel what I said to the people, especially my little sunshine. To feel, such a strange hope, but to me that was unattainable.
Now two years later, yes two years, I can honestly say I am free of that title “Post Partum”. I can say I love you and mean it whole heartedly, and my little angle means the world to me. Not that she didn’t before, but now I can feel it, where as before I couldn’t. And that is what people don’t understand, you love and would die for your child, but your illness doesn’t let you feel it. Now I do and I am the happiest mommy in the world.
Lisa Julie Schiftan.
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